Physical Contact
This is something you honestly may not think about but when you move abroad all by yourself, your chances at the usual, regular physical contact with the people you trusted and had easy access to dissipates. Usually, you start to notice it when things first start going downhill for real for the first time; it might be your first time being homesick, it might be your first time you didn't get a grade you wanted on an essay or a test, it might be when you want to tear out your hair because someone decided to blow dry their hair and blast music at 3:00 am, or it might be when you feel lost on the street and someone gives you the help you need and you just want to hug the stranger who helped you. Even if you do get a hug from that startled stranger, it is far from the same hug you used to get from friends, from parents, from people you know quite well. It might feel awkward, bony elbowed, or stiff.
It might not be satisfying at all.
This applies if you have pets from wherever you've left to move to and didn't bring them along. The joy you might experience seeing a puppy on the streets because you haven't touched a dog in months and are used to the daily contact of fluffy puppy fur might result in you having to relearn self-restraint all over again. No, you cannot touch that stranger's beagle. Not unless you ask.
And now you understand why "Puppy Stress Weeks" occur on college campuses more and more.
What I'm not saying is that you'll never experience physical contact from another human being, or animal, the entire time you're living in a new country. Sometimes you might find your significant other and create new bonds of physical contact, or sometimes it just might take you a long time to connect with your friend group and figure out how hugs work again. All I'm saying is - there's a severe shortage of hugs when you move abroad, and it might take a while to find them again. It's something you don't realize you miss until you really feel the aching need for a hug.
But, on a more positive note (keeping in line with my promise): hugs will come. When you finally connect with your friend group and are celebrating accomplishments, birthdays, or comforting in times of distress - the hugs and physical contact with other humans will come. And you'll learn to cherish those moments and the sensation of a hug again. It's all about learning to be on your own.
Missed Events and Communication Errors
You need to get straight to the point with yourself. Moving thousands of miles across an ocean, or even hundreds of miles across a border, means you are placing physical and metaphorical boundaries between yourself and other people. Quite simply, you will miss things. I'm not talking about the reminiscing feelings of missing your bed, your dog, your family, your friends, or the weather. You will miss events. Things you might normally be attending, or even have the option to attend. You may miss weddings, funerals, big life events like people moving or getting new jobs, small events like birthday parties or vacations. Life will not stop for you back in the country you came from. And to be honest, you can't expect it to either. People will hopefully acknowledge your absence, but you will feel incredibly jealous.
This isn't something that's easy to get over, either. If you keep in good contact with your friends and family from home, they'll hopefully tell you that these things are happening, and this can spark many emotions. Namely, jealousy and bitterness. How could they possibly throw a birthday party and not invite you? says one part of your brain. But you have to wait for the logic to kick in; don't let that bitterness turn into irrational hate for the person who's going just because you aren't. Logically, you aren't able to attend that event so why even waste energy on being angry that you weren't invited? Sure, the gesture is nice, especially to know that you've been thought of despite being so far away, but the fact of the matter is - it's very rare someone will hold off on life events like birthday parties or weddings, or gatherings for months just because you've moved. Sometimes, in certain circumstances - sure! Things will be put on hold!
But what I'm trying to say is, though your thoughts, opinions, and feelings matter to those who love you, it is not fair to make the decision to move away for x-amount of time, knowing things will happen while you're gone, and yet still expect people to hold off on making decisions (sometimes time sensitive) simply because you cannot be there. Realistically? You're doing the same to them! Moving to another country is a huge life decision, and while you're living all these miles away, you're doing things without them that they might want to do, and might feel jealous of you for doing. It's a hard pill to swallow. I certainly feel jealousy and bitterness sometimes when things like this happen, and it's perfectly okay to feel these things! Your feelings are understood and legitimized, but the reality of moving abroad is that while you are experiencing incredible things, things back home continue on and may not be exactly where you left them.
Which leads to a related problem: communication errors.
Sometimes, wires get crossed.
Believe me, I know. It sucks.
It's hard to communicate with people you may've been in easy contact with every day, or at least have had the option of contacting every day. Technology is a great thing in this regard, enabling you to talk instantly to people back home or in other locales, but still - those metaphorical wires can get crossed. While the world is still turning where you left it, and these events are occurring, things may happen that you might not receive news. It may be because they didn't think you'd be interested, or were worried about bothering you at 3:00 am due to a horrific time difference. Or, quite frankly, they just... forgot. It happens. It doesn't mean they hate you. But certainly, it changes your relationships with people you've had in the past. Things happen that you aren't privy too and all the sudden you feel left out. It all depends on the person.
Again, I'm not trying to say that all of your previous relationships will become constrained to things that are a once-in-three-months-Skype-call sort of deal; but things will change. People will talk while you aren't around, people won't relay those conversations to you for a variety of reasons or simply no reason at all. Communication is a two way street. Sometimes it's difficult to get ahold of people you love to talk to, and both parties need to make a conscious effort. There's good news though!
Skype dates, iMessage, free texting apps, and the wide world of internet messaging is at your fingertips. Sure, it's not the same, and you might get those aforementioned feelings of jealousy and being left out of things that you deem important, but you aren't completely cut off unless you decide it to be so. I won't deny it's hard to be knowingly left out of conversations and not be made aware of things that are happening because people forgot to tell you. Fact of the matter is - it will happen. Be forgiving. You have every right to be bitter and upset, but the ability to communicate will diminish if you do not forgive and move on.
So if I move abroad, I'm doomed, aren't I?
Absolutely not. Or at least, I hope that's not what you gathered from this entry.
I realize I may not have sounded as though I was keeping up with my promise in the beginning; the main point I wanted to discuss was the fact that things will change, and these are the two things I've noticed having lived a fair amount of time abroad now that happen the most. Being abroad is what you make of it - things will happen without you, but you have the opportunity to make things happen yourself! It all depends on your connection with people you had around you in the past. It's a conscious effort to move forward and not be stuck thinking certain things will be the same when you return - if you return, and it's a matter of accepting how different those things will be.
Don't let things like not talking to the same people you communicate with every day inhibit you from having your own adventures. Again, you have every right to be sad, angry, bitter, jealous, and upset - goodness knows I've felt all of those since I've moved abroad - but realize that it's all apart of the process and you have some amazing opportunities ahead of you.
So what are the perks about living abroad if you think it has these problems?
Aside from the obvious of experiencing another culture and the cliche notion of 'finding yourself' - there are many incredible things about living abroad. You meet new people to share those hugs and plan events with and you might even continue to talk to them if you decide to leave! You have incredible life events that only you have like standing in town square during Hogmanay, watching the sun set over the Mediterranean or Irish Sea, climbing a mountain, riding a camel, or digging a hole on a sacred island and finding prehistoric pottery. You learn about yourself: where you want to go next, what you want to do with your life, what big decisions you want to make. You learn about what you can do: how fast you can run, how confidently you can walk in an area you've never step foot in at 11:00 pm all by yourself, how you travel on your own and with other people, how you handle situations that involve a clear and level head, how to express your feelings and communicate with others, and how to tell when you need help.
You learn about others, too: who wants to hear about your adventures, who loves you, who misses you, who is gleefully reliving experiences they've had or experiences they want to have, through you, who wants to help you, how you can live with other people.
I really think everyone should take a year or two, or even half a year, to live in a new country on their own. It's not the same as living on a college campus a state, or an hour, away. If you don't want to come back after that year because you've found a place you're comfortable in? All the better. If the experience instead makes you want to go back home at the end of the year because what you've figured out has lead you to think that where you want to be is back home? Also awesome! Point is - you still lived abroad and grew in a way that only being abroad can be.
The biggest thing, though, is coming to realize the hurdles you face, find a way to conquer them, and learn what being abroad is all about. Many people don't think about these things when they consider going abroad and only think about how awesome it'll be to travel and drink freely and as they choose, which is fine. Just be prepared. Not everything is sunshine and rainbows, and not everything is gloomy rain clouds either.
Until next time...
_______________
Image Credits:
http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/dogs/images/33698353/title/cute-puppy-wallpaper
http://wallpaperswide.com/sad_danbo-wallpapers.html
http://techbeasts.com/2013/09/18/how-to-fix-no-service-issue-in-iphone-4-4s/
No comments:
Post a Comment